Valentine's Day isn't for the weak.

Especially if you're single. Honestly, even when I've been in relationships, it's not a holiday I give much weight to. I can't wait until next year, because I'll probably get Valentines and such from kiddos in my class. That's the best Valentine's Day I've had so far, actually... when I was student teaching... I got cards, chocolates, and I even got flowers from one little boy. It was so sweet. And in *that* school it meant a lot... it was a low-income area, and the kids were hardened, and not very receptive to having someone actually care about them enough to get them to make something of themselves.

Anyhow, this weekend I'm going to Port Aransas with friends... we're not celebrating Valentine's Day... we just wanna get outta San Antonio for a weekend... and I need a break! lol I'm not going to vacation again until June or July (whenever Jamey and I pinpoint a month to go to Washington). Anyhow, there is one unfortunate side effect of Valentine's Day. It *does* remind me I'm not dating... and it also reminds me I'm not READY to date. I think there are things that are still affecting me from the past that I haven't gotten past... because I can't even IMAGINE myself with anyone... at least, not being completely open and being TOTALLY in a relationship. Sure, I could go through the motions... and pretend that everything's okay... I could even give the illusion that I'm being open and honest about things and who I am in a relationship... but it wouldn't be true. I don't even know how to try and get back to "me." I mean, I know I'm in there somewhere... but I just don't know. And the terrible truth is I've been out of the dating/relationship loop so long, I don't even know how I fit into a relationship, and what I need from the other person! lol I guess this is just stuff that will eventually fall into place.

I kind of feel like I should apologize to the guy I've been getting to know for the past 4 months... because I don't think I have an honest intention to date him. Although, I think he's equally as separated from things because he's so busy with work (he's a Sports Editor, and thus travels pretty much 3-4 days a week covering games in the area/state). Maybe I'm still holding onto the last good relationship I had hoping that it comes around again... but maybe I need to just resolve that I will never find that exact connection with anyone else... sometimes I feel so lost... and that can't be good when I'm about to turn 28...! lol Oh, well... Just needed to put my thoughts out... no need for concern or anything... this post was more for me than anyone else.... and also my attempt to get myself to come out of my protective shield some more... to complete strangers... lol

I've become a non-believer...

I realized recently that I have become a non-believer. No not a non-believer in God and Jesus Christ... but a non-believer in love. How did I come to realize this...? I was watching various movies recently and I noticed that I had no reaction at all to anything romantic or gushing with love and sentiments. I remember when I was younger, if I'd see two people in a movie kiss or share a romantic moment I felt a flutter in my heart. I think I've been burned too many times or something... because I just don't feel that anymore, or even feel as if I have any hope of feeling that ever again. I think I've finally reached that point... that point I've been afraid of...that point when someone will come into my life and I'll resist it... or not believe they are genuine or that things they say are heartfelt at all. I'm also at that point everyone talks about... the moment in your life where you aren't looking and something is supposed to just pop into place.

I think a lot of these feelings of indifference stem from the fact that I'm so much more focused on obtaining a full time teaching job... that I don't really think of that aspect of my life. It's more important to me to get settled into a job... and get a new place and all... before I even THINK of finding a significant other.

Interesting epiphany I had recently...

I hate February

Yes, it's that time of year again... the month of February... the month where we celebrate Black History (I LOVED teaching the kiddos about Duke Ellington and such... and I'm sure THEY loved listening to the jazz music I played them!) we also celebrate that stupid little beaver-like creature... yes, the Groundhog... I used to like that movie, too, until my Dad made me watch it nearly every time it came on TV. And of course, let us not forget Single's Awareness Day. The only man who has never let me down on this day is my Dad (despite his tendencies to re-watch Bill Murray over and over and over...). I usually get some sort of flowers and also perhaps some candy... and usually he takes my Mom and I out for dinner (not ON the actual day, tho). When I student taught I had an enjoyable Valentine's... even though I was just over 1 month post-break up with the PUNK that cheated on me impregnating his "new" interest... whom he eloped with. Yup... the kiddos got me LOTS of cards, a lot of them homemade (b/c it was a low income area) and some little boys got me those BIG Hallmark cards... a couple got me flowers... several kids got me candies.

I felt such genuine love and appreciation from them! I miss that. Is it bad that I'm so pessimistic about love that I don't think any sort of present (be it on Valentine's or any other day/occassion) is genuine? It seems like guys in particular give gifts because they're expecting SOMETHING in return. Another gift... sex... ANYTHING. I have no idea where this line of thoughts came from... I just know that this year in general... from Valentine's on... is probably not going to be great. Well, hopefully with the exception of FINALLY landing a full time job... and if I don't then I'm going into another profession temporarily because I can't keep doing the subbing thing... I need an actual salary so that I can be on my own again.... or my Dad suggested I go back for my Masters... although, how I'm supposed to pay for that I have no idea... considering what I make as a substitute. Anyhow... in conclusion... I'm not looking forward to February!

I know I already blogged today...

But I'm making up for lost time (over the past week) and I absolutely have to get this off my chest and need suggestions.

Have you ever tried to stay friends with an ex? Better yet, have you ever had a "Mr. Big" in your life? Yeah, I have one. Here's the short story... if you want to get EXTREMELY technical, he was a teacher of mine in HS (he was a drumline instructor... not employed by the district, but contracted for the winter drumline season at my HS b/c he and our Asst. Band Director went to TX. State together... well, SWT). He and I began dating FORMALLY right after I graduated, although, we had been, I suppose you could say, 'courting,' since November of my senior year of HS. We were pretty off and on that summer... and then we eventually split up... however kept in contact as friends.

After the 9-11 incident I got a somewhat out-of-the-blue phone call from him. He wanted to know how I had been, and went on to tell me that he had dated someone, but split from her. He asked if we could meet for dinner. We met up for dinner after a few more phone calls, and I began to realize that he wanted to be back in my life in the boyfriend capacity. At the same time, I realized I wanted him back in my life also. Our relationship was very interesting to say the least. He was 9.5 years older, but I never felt the age difference; not because he was immature, but because I have always been much more mature than most my age. It quickly came to a point where I was very much, head over heels, in love with this man. At the time, he constantly denied ever having any of the same feelings for me. He cared very much for me and he loved me but wasn't in love with me, yada, yada... Well, the week before my 21st birthday my family and I took a road trip through NM and AZ to CO and then back. While we were in Sedona, AZ my boyfriend called me to tell me how much he missed me and went on to tell me he loved me... that he was IN LOVE with me.

When I returned home, we went out for my 21st birthday to have dinner and then spent the rest of the night talking and enjoying each others' company. And then within a week later, we had broken up. In short, he picked a fight over a very small issue and split with me. I have come to find out (through conversations post-break up) that he was running from his feelings. One of these conversations where I found out he still loved me was in 2005 when he called me up and told me he was getting married, but didn't know if he could because he was still in love with me. Well, stupid man that he is, he married her and things have been bad from about 1 month into the marriage. How do I know, you may ask? Because he and I still talk... we're friends, right?

We're friends, however, I hear from him almost daily in some capacity (text, email, phone call). He's been begging me for over a year now to meet up with him to catch up and I've always found a reason not to because I felt that it was innappropriate given he's married. Until recently. He's still married... but semi-separated (meaning their paths hardly ever cross, and divorce is impending)... and so he wants to meet up on Friday for lunch. I haven't seen this man in 5.5 years... and I'm nervous as all heck. Why would I be nervous? We dated nearly 3 years, right...? Yeah, I'm nervous because it's incredibly safe to say that even through other realationships (even long-term ones) after the one he and I shared... I've continued to love him. Even after finding out he pushed away love for me... and even married someone else in an effort to get away from it.

I can't help but wonder if it just wasn't our time... and maybe now it is...? I really think a lot of it had to do with him feeling as if he wasn't good enough to be with me. Maybe now that he's in a place in his life that's better (FINALLY finished up school and getting his certification) he feels like he's actually worthy...? I feel so utterly confused and so incredibly LOST on this matter... and everytime I watch an episode of Sex and the City... I'm ever-reminded how much I am like Carrie Bradshaw because I have my very own Mr. Big (however, I would NEVER cheat on anyone... even with my Mr. Big).

Updates will follow (OF COURSE... I don't think I'd get out of it, actually)... and any suggestions would be helpful (and kudos if you made it all the way down here!).